Psychiatric experts have today revealed that they can find
no evidence that Dick Cheney and his cohorts in the so-called “Gang of Loons”
elite terrorist organisation are suffering from a mental disorder.
These controversial
findings come as something of a surprise to millions of people who had strongly
suspected that Cheney & Co were in fact completely demented after they had decided
to embrace an innovative program of inserting things into men’s bottoms or
playing them medleys of Kylie Minogue hits at 300 decibels for 3 weeks on the
trot in order to uphold and defend justice and civilised values.
Affiliated to the Al Cabala organisation thought to be
responsible for 9/11 and the hijacking of Ukraine and several other countries,
the gang were recently exposed for what has been described as a systematic
program of humanitarian torture not at all similar to the sadistic varieties of
torture carried out by oppressive regimes such as Saudi Arabia and Israel. One
of the main differences is known to be that the gang’s methods were called “enhanced
interrogation” rather than mere “torture”, which is what bad people do.
The interrogation
of suspects is mainly enhanced by the introduction of pain for brief periods no
longer than a decade or two or, conversely, the introduction of a few cleverly
crafted questions such as “go on, admit it, you’re a terrorist, aren’t you?”
into protracted periods of pain, whichever way you want to look at it. It works
in tandem with other innovative techniques known as “enhanced policing” and the popular “enhanced truth” whereby millions
of people are made to suffer by having things called “fibs” inserted into them
by devices such as “the press” or making them watch ingeniously rigged news
broadcasts involving carefully trained operatives emitting streams of disturbing
propaganda from their rectums.
The program has been hailed as a complete success. Although
it produced no actual useful intelligence it has produced a number of
confessions by “suspects” to a number of atrocities, enabling investigators to
at last close the file on such mysteries as the assassination of Abraham
Lincoln, the Irish Potato Famine and the theft of George Bush’ IQ. It also had
the added virtue of providing career opportunities for people with a talent for
sadism, which is known to be a lifestyle choice rather than a personality
disorder.
But outcry from a misguided public and similar minorities who
hold to the mistaken belief that their country – in a complete break with
centuries of tradition - should not be run by psychopaths (something believed by
psychopaths the world over to be impossible in any case) has caused psychiatrists
to search through their diagnostic manual, the DSM, to find out whether the behaviour
of the aforementioned “enhanced interrogators” is covered by any of the 1,993
mental illnesses listed there. In so
doing, the psychiatric community reluctantly bowed to a great deal of unfair
pressure from people with all manner of anti-torture prejudices. Most psychiatrists were much too busy drugging
the elderly or the nation’s children or marketing the new “Prenatal Depression”
disorder to bother with attaching the stigma of mental illness to innocent rich
businessmen and political stooges.
In the end, Dr Wantme Hedexamind, director of the Brain-U-Like
psychiatric institute based in Druggem Arizona, said: “The problem with the
uneducated pubic is that they tend to jump to unwarranted conclusions. A long
history of unvaryingly demented behaviour is no reason to suspect the presence
of a mental disorder. By that logic, we’d be locking up politicians, media moguls
and the heads of large corporations left right and centre, leaving hardly
anyone to run the planet except do-gooders who want to be nice to people and
not blow anything up - and that has been scientifically proven to be completely
impossible. But in the interests of not damaging the public’s confidence in psychiatry
any more than it has been already, we decided to have a flick through the DSM
to see what we could come up with.”
Dr Hedexamind then went on to declare that: “There is no
evidence that Mr Cheney and the other co-torturers – I mean, enhanced interrogators
– is suffering from any disorder known to psychiatry. Inserting things into
people, breaking their legs, making them curl up inside small buckets or breathe
water and other therapeutic techniques are simply not listed and therefore do
not qualify as symptoms of mental illness. Our list of mental illnesses is, as
you know, quite extensive, with treatment in the form of drugs now available
for such crippling disorders as childhood (Infantile Disorder), boredom (Ennui
Disorder), wearing odd socks (Odd Sock Disorder), oversleeping in the morning
(Tardive Superslumbria) or talking with your mouth full (Oral Surfeit Disorder),
but nowhere can we find listed normal behaviour such as inflicting pain in the
name of democracy. There is the common ailment known as sadism but this isn’t really
a mental illness, more a hobby, and in any case doesn’t apply to governments or
psychiatry. Sadism after all is the inflicting of pain for the sake of it,
whereas the government (or psychiatry) has been inflicting pain for political
reasons such as being right out of other ideas and, occasionally, fun. In any
case it’s just the sort of things that governments do when run by people not at
all creepy or mad.”
The Institute also looked for any evidence that admitting
the most cruel and heinous acts without the slightest remorse and with the avowed
willingness to do it again even though it serves no useful purpose except help
start World War Three, might itself be evidence the person is a teensy weensy
bit unhinged. Again, it found no evidence and concluded that such behaviour
comes with the territory when you are a Vice President or self-elected leader of
the Free World.
There are no plans to extend the list of mental illness in
the DSM to include such things as torture, blowing up civilians with drones, locking people up without access to
justice, warmongering, manufacturing or selling – or using – weapons of mass
destruction, graft, genocide or similar perfectly reasonable pastimes.
“Besides,” explained Dr Hedexamind, “we are more worried about real threats to our peace of mind such as people not being drugged. Therefore we are too busy extending
the DSM to include such newly discovered mental disorders as prenatal
depression, love of cats and writing distempered Facebook posts about the
government and we’ve run out of paper.
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- Obama, Cameron confident new alliance with Satan will defeat forces of evil (page 666).
